Confidence

I recently read an article on spiritual confidence. It suggested that a person have confidence in their core spiritual values. It made me think and wonder about my own confidence...

I used to be very confident. I trusted myself completely. However, that changed with two things.....having a baby and the internet. Completely different entities, one would think; however, quite the opposite. Having a baby gives me unlimited opportunities to totally fuck up another human beings existence. I could hurt them psychologically, emotionally and physically. I use the internet to validate my behaviors towards the kiddo or to find a solution for whatever it is that I am searching for. For example: A cough. Shit. Is it whooping cough or just a freaking cough? Was something swallowed? Is there a marble, penny, crayon, toy lodged into my infant (left out by toddler), toddler, even a six year old mouth? Is there some sort of horrible allergy out there that I am not aware of? Did I feed my child something that is, potentially, life threatening? Am I the worst mother out there?

I get on the internet and crap, I just cannot win. If I smack him on the back I could shake his brain around his skull and hurt him further. If I stick my finger down his throat I could lodge it even further down and make him choke even more. If I hang him upside down, by his feet, he could smack his head on the floor and go into a coma. What is the solution? What is the freaking solution?

I want to be a good mom. This is the profession I have chosen for the time being. I don't want to be responsible for an ill adept child. But sweet Jesus, SERIOUSLY, my confidence is taking a serious beating.

Too much information. Not just for a random bedroom secret said aloud to people, sometimes strangers, in conjunction with a momentary brain fart. Nope, I suffer from the lack of confidence due to searching the internet. Please say that I am not the only one.

I am slowly weaning myself off of the search engines. It is hard. It's like a drug. Am I still searching for validation.....that other people actually think and do the same things that I do? Am I searching for the sense of conformity? Seriously, please say no on that one. When did I let myself become trapped? I always thought of myself as a free thinker. Someone that would do what I thought I should do.

I feel like shaving my head, bleaching my hair and screaming at the top of my lungs:
STOP THE INSANITY!!!!!

I can do this. I can. I just need to google how to start.....