Motherhood of the Year Award

School started not too long ago. Time for new backpacks, pencils, notebooks and dis-eases. Kids spread dis-ease faster than orange mold grows in Georgia bathrooms. Kids get sick. It's inevitable. I am not squeamish of puke or diarrhea - it's my profession. Momhood.

Needless to say I have a sick six year old. He woke up this morning with 100.3. Not too shabby. I kept my four year old home as well. We don't need to spread more germs around. I made a late lunch. My four year old and six year old are sitting at the table. My infant is in his crib. All is well with the world until my six year old says he's going to puke. He runs to the bathroom. Two minutes later he returns to the table. He tells me nothing happened. I am in the kitchen getting the lunch fixings when he jumps up again and runs into the living room. He stops short and pukes on the rug. The he looks at me and starts running towards me puking all the way. He stops in the dining room more puke. He runs into the kitchen where I grab his head and move him to the trash can. He makes it.

I'm in the kitchen with my hand on my child's head, pushing it into the trash. My four year old is in the kitchen giving a play by play and adding "Eeuuuuuwwww. Eeeeuuuuwww. That's gross." And my infant, for no other reason than ganging up on me, is screaming at the top of his lungs. Can you say fucking stress?

After the puking session I have my six year old help clean up. Thank God it's mostly water, but still....eeeuuuuwww. My four year old is tasked with getting the mop. Infant is still screaming. There is water puke in three rooms. Sweet Jesus, help me! We get most of it up. I wash my hands, grab little man and try to feed him enough to placate him. My six year old is on his hands and knees trying to find all the water and the four year old is in the kitchen. Four year old tries to get his lunch and drops it all over the floor. Luckily 1. it's only crackers at this point and 2. puke is cleaned up. I tell him to clean it up. He refuses. My composure is about to ready to snap. My eye twitches and I walk off. I put little man back in the crib. I tell my six year old to strip so that I can start the wash. I walk back to the kitchen and my middle son tells me "I need meat. Make my lunch."

Holy Sheep Shit! What did he just say to me?! I felt my head cock, my eye twitch four times and now my lip is quivering. And with that there is a litany of curses followed by a spanking followed by sending kiddo to his room.

So....I graciously accept the Motherhood of the Year Award. I want to thank Loki for making this all happen. With perfect timing too. It couldn't have been better.